Just another late night post

I'm not going to give a philosophical point of view on this one. I'm just up late at night. Can't sleep. It sucks to be honest with you. Especially since I have someone on my mind. For the past few weeks, this person and I have been talking a lot. She and I went out on our first date Sunday. I must say that this was the best first date ever. It was in my opinion, PERFECT. Yeah, there was a lot of cheesy things involved in our cliche sounding date. But honestly, I loved every minute of it. I was so nervous. She is a girl that is a previous co-worker of mine. I possibly might go back, but not just to work with her. Although that is a plus that she will be there, I am not quite sure if I would want to work in that place again. The first day that I worked with her, I was absolutely amazed when I saw her. She has the most beautiful eyes. If you know anything about me, that is my biggest fascination, eyes. That is the first thing that I am attracted to on a person. It can read deep into a person's soul. They can tell a person's emotions. She has big beautiful eyes that can change color. Too bad she isn't big into keeping eye contact. She said she gets nervous. Maybe that's a good thing though because I would definitely get lost in them if I keep staring too long. It took me a long time to even muster up the courage to ask her out on a date. Anyway, going back to the date. We met up in the parking lot somewhere(sounds weird...I know). She hopped in my car, and we rode off into the night not knowing what will happen. We chatted about things. She had no idea where I was taking her. All she knew was that it was somewhere you could get Italian. I took her to a nice Italian restaurant. I haven't had it in quite some time. I asked for a table with a good view because I was hoping that the dinner would last long enough to catch the sun setting. I even at my whole bowl, which is kind of hard to do at this restaurant because they give such a large helping of food. Well after learning a bit more about each other and a stomach full, we still finished dinner kind of early, so I took her to the piers along the beach. We stayed there for a while and really talked about a lot. This was the point of the date where I knew things were PERFECT. This was the breaking point for me. I never felt so close to someone on the first date. It was amazing. I soaked in everything. We joked. We talked about past, present and future. There were a lot of people there around us, but all I could truly notice was her. With my arm around her, we sat on a bench and watched the sunset at 7:04 PM. It was the first time ever, that I had watched a sunset with anyone. It was gorgeous. The moment will last with me forever. Well as we left the pier, we went drove to go see a scary movie. It was pretty good. We both agreed that the ending was not good. The movie theater was down the road from her car, so I took her back. When she left, we kissed. It sounds cliche, but it was like the world spun around us like we were the center of attention and fireworks were going off. She made my heart beat faster and slower at the same time when our lips locked. After that, she left. This brought an end the the most perfect night I ever had.

Well her and I are "talking" now. I originally asked her. I knew it was too soon, but I felt compelled to ask. I did tell her that she didn't have to answer me right away. We both agreed to be exclusive without the title until we knew each other a bit better. See, the biggest problem with us will be distance and space. I live about an hour away. Yeah, it's not that far apart, but still hurts things in the beginning. If we can make it through that though, that will make things that much stronger. It won't be much longer until I am home for the summer from school. Plus I'm certain that I will make numerous trips back here to see her. I know deep down that it will be worth toughing it out. I have never wanted to be with someone more in my life. It is crazy how this came from no where. She is worth it though. She is amazing in so many ways. Everyday that I get to know her more, I find more reasons that I want to be with her. Hopefully things will work out. No matter what comes of this, I just want her to be happy. Although I would like to be the one to make her happy, just seeing her smile makes me happy.

Icebox

I was just writing about this because someone came to me about their ex, and it brought back my own memories about this kind of situation. The toughest kind of break-ups are the ones that are with a person that you know something more could have been. I mean you could see your future together with that person and try everything to make it happen. Some where along the line something goes wrong. Then, and only then, there will there be a turning point. A turning point that can make it or break it for most. The snowball effect takes place. Everything changes. For those that are fortunate and determined, everything will turn back around and only great things come out of it. For most, this will ruin everything that once was.

You ever think about how weird it is that sometimes you want to be honest-to-god friends with and "ex"? I mean like you can talk and be cool and go about your business. Exactly the way it was before you dated that person. Like sometimes I will try to catch up and write something on someone's wall but before I click send, I talk myself out of it and just delete it and move to the next page. I mean I really don't see the point of being friends with an ex. You can never really truly feel happy for them. You will always compare their new significant other to yourself. Friendship is the hardest thing to make out of a previous relationship. Anger always seems to come from the jealousy that arises. Arguments surface out of no where. Hatred starts to form itself. You may find yourself saying something that you truly deep down want to say, but know that you shouldn't. When you say it, you feel great, but afterward you begin to regret it. You wish you could have said things differently. That's when it starts to eat at you. Then even after it's all said and done, the bridge has been burned. You can't fix it. You are officially stuck with one less road to travel down and narrowed your path of life. Somewhere along the line, you start to get tired of caring. You develop a callous heart. It starts to grow cold and you do things that you normally wouldn't have. This is when you realize that you have an icebox. You try to do things to fill that void, but are unsuccessful. Only you can change this.

Maybe this is just me. It's easier for a girl to be guys with a ex-boyfriend than the other way around. I'm not sure if anyone else agrees with me but that's just how I feel. I see it happen all the time, and it has happened to me as well.

Getting Over the Mountain

Well it has been quite a while since I have posted on here. I could not possibly tell all the things I have experienced in the past year. Anyway, the real reason I am here is to yet again talk about relationships. More over, I would like to talk about the post-relationship. I have just been pondering for some time now about the things that happen during this phase. Most do not even include this to be part of a relationship. I, myself, consider it to be a vital part. It is the hardest part of any relationship depending on the situation. It can also be the most complicated and confusing time. If it was something serious, then it will take quite some time to move on to the next person. This does not mean to forget what happened and act like nothing ever happened. It means learning to embrace what has happened and accepting the past. Looking forward to the future optimistically is hard during these times for some. A lot of people sulk in the past. I am guilty as charged when it comes to this. Deep thought is a huge obstacle. It can ruin a person. It can change who one is and can grow to be. The mind is the deadliest weapon that can be used. It can be filled with doubt. It can be filled with fear. It can be filled with thoughts of penance for things done wrong. To over come these would mean one has accepted things and is ready to move on to bigger and better things.

A Lovehead

Don't you just hate the pain love can cause. It just rips through you like a knife. It can drive someone to a point of insanity. It is single handedly the greatest and the worst emotion of all. If not under control, you can be at the will of love and do things without thinking twice. It can make someone's life enjoyable, but it also has the power to destroy a person's world in an instant. It causes more people pain than pleasure. Let me ask you these questions:

So why would one want to seek such a thing?
Would the world be a better place without it?

Personally, I hate this emotion, but then again it is a drug. Once you have a taste of it, you will either reject it or like most of society you will fall victim to its addictive strangle holds which overtake the mind in its entirety. It will make you do ANYTHING to find it. Some try to hold back their urges, but people like myself get engulfed in it. I have a very addictive personality. I also have a very strong will at the same time, but the one thing I can not hold back is my emotions. I try as I might, but they will always come out. Sometimes they come out in the wrong way. Sometimes I do things without using logic. When love comes out, it seems like my brain doesn't exist. Only my foolish heart leads the way. I have a very big heart when it comes to caring about others, especially the ones I love. I will do absolutely anything for that one person. She has complete control over my heart. I have no will when it comes to her. My one and only goal is to make her happy at any cost. It does not matter if it causes me misery. If it makes her happy, I will do it. I will go wherever I need to and do whatever it takes to cause the slightest amount of joy. I would give up anything. I am a hopeless romantic whose only dream is to live a happy life with that one person I care about. I am the kind of person that will be happy no matter where I am as long as I am happy with my family. I want a wife and kid(s). But enough about me and what i want. I'm telling this to all of you because I want you to know how dangerous this emotion can be. Many have died over it. It has ruined many lives. It causes insanity and anger. It causes anguish and depression. It is not nice by any means. To those few that have learned to live on the good side of it, it still causes pain. Love never ends. Once you lose that one that you TRULY love, you will be torn and changed for the rest of your life. You may learn to bury it under everything, but it doesn't mean that it isn't there. I personally can't hide it. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I highly advise that you don't rush into love too soon. Then again, no one can control who they love. We are all at the mercy of the will of love. Just cherish every moment you spend with that special someone because tomorrow they may not be there for you to tell them you love them. Back to my original questions. I think everyone seeks it, look for it in the pursuit of happiness. I also don't think the world would be better without it. I think it is what makes the world go round. It makes things in life unpredictable. The world would be too plain without it. Trust me it causes plenty of pain. But for that tiny ounce of happiness, I think it is well worth it.

C.D. Bankey

Is it real?

Well this is my first blog. I know you as a reader may not know anything about me, but I can guarantee you have met someone like me- a unique person fallen victim to the same thing that has happened to many. I am not a complicated person, although my personality may be the most complex one has ever seen. A mixture of compassion with a competitive streak and love for a good challenge. Now i face the most challenging obstacle yet to come. One that can make a person be who they truly are. One that can break a person's spirit to the point where suicide is almost inept. One that can cause the greatest joy in any one individual's particular life time. Majority of people aren't accustomed to it. Some may not even realize what it really is. It is the most complex of all human emotions. It can cause someone to do things that he or she is not normally capable of accomplishing. It is the motive that fuels everyone's life. It is called "love". "Love" is truly an overused cliche. It has no meaning of today's society. It has been watered down by generations and generations of lies, manipulation and deception. It has become the word that everyone fears to hear. Yet after all the pain it has caused to many, it can be the warmth of someone's fire to cause euphoric state of being. Sometimes its just something that is understood to be said. It truly does not have any meaning. There is not a word that can capture the complete essence of this strongest of emotions. Unconditional love is something that can not be put into words. Its an expression. It can be shown with the smallest of things. It can be as simple as remembering what someone was saying a few months ago. It can also be as easy as "Good Morning" to the person you care most about. Not one thing can define love. It has too many shapes and forms to be categorized as one particular thing. It is one of the greatest of mysteries. Many question if it is real. Many believe that they understand it. It can be one of the hardest things to determine whether one may have or not. Just because one does all these small things, it does not mean that it is love. It must be done out of instinct and compassion. If there is no meaning behind it, then who may judge whether its real or not? Only you can determine whether you truly mean it or not. Do not be afraid of it, as most people are. Fear is what drives us to do the things instinctively. It is completely natural. It is built into our human genome. We can not decide when we fear things or not, but we are plenty able and aware of our own feelings deep inside our own souls causing us to determine our reactions. Many also believe that the heart has its own mind. I know I am one of those people. Most do not realize that sometimes what one wants may sacrifice something meaningful to him or her. It is completely alright to think logically and do what you "want", but I will guarantee that your heart will lead you in the right direction. You will end up on a path of life that can only be generated once. That path is called "fate", "destiny", "faith", "belief" and sometimes "love". But the question I would like to pose to you is: Is it real? or just a false pretense? I'll let you be the judge.

C.D. Bankey